This is my new boyfriend.

Okay not really, it's Will from Big Brother, but I wish he was my new boyfriend.

Don't tell Mr. Depp.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or even a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. Your feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Last night I had a dream that I woke up and my whole body was hurting. I went into the bathroom and got stuck in between the medicine cabinet and the back wall. Once I clawed my way out of the bathroom I went out to the garage and found my car half way in and half way out of the garage on an angle like it had been crashed in there. I opened the driver's side door and found ME slumped over like I had been in a bad accident. Then I realized I had a hangover so I thought I must have been drinking and driving. I was SO shocked because I would never do that. The fire department was outside running hoses all around the house. Then they arrested my brother for what I did so I ran away. I felt guilty about running away so I came back to find my brother had turned into my sister and she was in handcuffs.

I think I need a vacation.

Sometimes I think that I am the smartest person on earth and it pains me to talk to anybody else because they will never, ever, understand where I am coming from because I am much too intelligent for them to "get".

Oh I am not joking.

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

How Scary Are You?

My mom told me that I am a direct descendant of this dude.

She says there is a book with the family tree that goes right down to her name...I hope they revise it soon and put me and my brother in it because then I could carry it around and impress people.

I did some reading on him and I liked what I read.

"Oliver Cromwell believed passionately in what he called 'liberty of conscience', that is freedom for a range of groups and faiths to practise their beliefs undisturbed and without disturbing others. Several times he referred to this religious liberty as the principal achievement of the wars, to be strengthened and cherished now that peace had returned."

If you have a band and you are on MySpace, I don't want to be your friend, unless I have met you or told you I like your band.

If you are a comedian and you are on MySpace, I don't want to be your friend, unless I have met you or told you I like your act.

If you are some dude from Nebraska and you are on MySpace and your catch phrase is "Da Bears", and all your "friends" are pleasantly plump girls wearing lingerie or eating cherries I don't want to be your friend. Period.

Have I mentioned that I still do not get MySpace? Do you?

And why the hell is it MySpace with no space???

Riddle me that Batman.

And what is this "Thanks for the add" thing?

Can one of you wizard banner maker type people please make me a "Stop asking me to be your friend I don't even know you." banner?

Aces.

Big Brother live feed update:

It takes Janelle AT LEAST an hour to do her make-up. I just could not concentrate on putting on make-up for that long.

But I could watch somebody do it on a webcam.

Yeah makes sense.

Howie is autistic or whatever brain malfunction it is that causes you to repeat the same thing over and over again.

"Chicken George you're okay"
"I know Howie"

Five minutes later

"Chicken George you're okay"
"Thanks Howie I know"

2 minutes later

"It's okay Chicken George"
"Thanks Jedi"

I have no idea how Chicken George doesn't start running around trying to find the exit to that nut house.

Best part is when the Big Brother god like voice booms through the whole house telling them to stop doing something.

I cancelled my subscription after the free trial period because if I didn't I would weigh 4 hundred pounds, be white as a ghost, and have no friends by the end of the summer.

I got the Big Brother live feed tonight. It's free for the first three days. I might not go to sleep. But I should because I am going on a picnic tomorrow with my mom and dad and their two dogs and my puppy. Should be awesome.

Dear Universe,

My horoscope told me on Monday that I could just tell you what I want and don't want and you would handle it.

That is way cool of you universe, thanks.

After careful consideration I have compiled the following list:

An honest, funny, hot, rich, ticklish, 35 year old man with a cottage.

A big hand to come out of the dashboard of cars and smack stupid fucks in the head when they drive like assholes.

Dave Matthews to stop writing really obvious lyrics like you crash into me and I come into you. GAWD. What are you 13 Dave?

The rule of thumb to be changed from eight glasses of water a day to beer. Actually if you could just make beer come right out of the tap that would be good. (Oh feck I sound like Homer Simpson)

The kid at the corner store to get off the hash and be able to make change in under 10 minutes.

A camera that makes all of the other cameras cry themselves to sleep at night because they will never be as awesome.

Johnny Depp.

Denis Leary.

Thanks in advance, regards and all the other gayisms that business people sign off with,

Binsk

My horoscope for today:

Be the author of your life. Decide what you want to happen -- and, more importantly, what you don't want to happen -- and then make it so. The universe will provide you all the help you need to make this happen -- truly.

Oh somebody sang a little Jewel sucky love song at karaoke I see. Thanks to my cousin for stealing my camera and capturing the magic that is me.

Have you seen the movie The Corporation? If you haven't you should go out right now and rent it. And if you have and you didn't like it don't tell me because we are in my lair and I will treat cruelly. (see satanism below)

I gave Charlie 30 minutes to pack up his things and move out. I told him he could have all of the plastic bags, and his toys, and the can of mackarel he hasn't eaten yet. He doesn't seem to be taking me seriously and he is losing valuable packing time. 29 minutes.

Rabbits

To see a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors.

To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness of a lover.

To see many rabbits hopping about the meadows, signifies fertility and that children will bring you much joy.


What if the rabbit bit me?

Sassy One and others asked me if I had ever seen the movie Waiting.

I rented it tonight.

My favourite line:

"I don't work within the exact boundaries of the law because I wasn't consulted when the goddamn laws were made"

That is my mantra.

I also liked:

"Don't fuck with people that handle your food"

and

"Did you ever just wake up and realize, holy shit I'm a fucking loser?"

Ryan Reynolds and Dane Cook are hot.

I also watched Failure to Launch. Matthew Mccaughney (or however you spell it) is delicious.

What else? Hmmmmmmm...

A question. If your kid had to go pee, and you were at a strip mall and there was a Tim Horton's, a Mr. Sub, and a video store, where would you take him? The video store you say? Okay then I guess it's just me who thinks that is a cracky move.

Today when I was in line at the grocery store a retarded boy/man came from out of nowhere and waved at me, smiled widely and disappeared back behind the gum rack.

I think.

The Eleven Satanic Rules of Earth

To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.


The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth

I. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

II. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure that they want to hear them.

III. When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

IV. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

V. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

VI. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the person and he cries out to be relieved.

VII. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have used it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

VIII. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

IX. Do not harm little children.

X. Do not kill non-human animals unless attacked or for your food.

XI. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.


Yep that sounds about right.

What are you?

I met Sassy One tonight.

That's right, be jealous, be very jealous.

I'm going to put together a compilation of poems I have written while in the grips of p.m.s.

They are pure suicidal/homicidal magic.

Par example there's this little gem:

Running out of faith, time and strength
My legacy is that of a troubled mind

The aching is constant now
I can't reach out

To most I am too sensitive, weak, dramatic
Sorrow, fear and joy have always been intense
Sounds are loud, colours vibrant, and darkness black

Now I am going to microwave my bean bag thingie and take some advil.

Ever have one of those feelings where you have no idea what the feeling is? Like you can't tell if you are thirsty or tired or sad or cold?

And you can't stop moving your feet around for some reason?

Yeah well I'm currently experiencing that so I am having a beer.

Big Brother All Stars is on tonight, hopefully that will break me out of this funk that makes me want to eat everyone's face, and not in the nice way.

And then there's karaoke tomorrow night. I haven't been to karaoke for a long time. I think I'm gonna sing one that my fans (a.k.a. drunk friends) used to ask me to sing, Kid Rock's Cowboy. When a girl raps and screams suck my dick, it's a big hit for some reason. Only problem with karaoke is that I have to get REALLY drunk to do it, no wait, that's not a problem at all.

My dog just stole a little tiny sour orange off of one of the plants in my house, he is trying to eat it but he keeps dropping it and growling...hey orange stop being so sour graaaaahaaaaaawl.

Raymi is brilliant.

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR DEPRESSION

1. do not make a big deal about it, go about your days without talking about it thinking about it anything about it and then when that tidal wave of sadness hits you, you are like boy i'm sad and then you go that's right i'm depressed i totally forgot! if you act like a functioning depressive things are way easier and less people will avoid you which segues into

2. get a sense of humor, don't be a debbie downer and see the fucking negative in everything in an unfunny way for the love of fuck do you want to be alone for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!?! holy shit if you're going to be sad at least cheer somebody else up, that's why comedians are comedians, they're so fucking blue that making other people laugh is a total necessity why do you think i post ten trillion times a second and come up with all this witty banter? yeah i'm real funny and i'm really depressed DUH! did you think it was because i really liked you guys? ha ha WRONG!

3. ok i do sort of like you guys but you see what i did there? i made a JOKE, fucking try it sometime, guys le douche.

4. spend money on clothes that make you look awesome and then you will feel awesome but don't over do it with the accessories please, you are NOT a fucking christmas tree.

5. hang out with someone less cool than you and let them try and impress you all day long and if you are feeling extra generous let them buy you something and make out with them if you feel it necessary for them to be available for your next tidal sadness wave.

6. do NOT cut your hair if you are a girl, give your bangs a little chop if absolutely necessary but do not go hmm i think i would feel ten times better if i looked like HILARY SWANK IN BOYS DON'T CRY you will fucking regret it and every other person you pass on the street will think inside their heads WOW THAT CHICK IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE and then when your sadness week resides you will be totally revolted by the sight of your head and then you'll do a bunch of drugs to forget what you look like and two years later you are still bingeing about to bottom-out and your hair is just about shoulder-length and you are a strung-out pile of garbage true story, buy my book.

7. if you feel the need to discuss your dark past, make little jokes about it so the listener is more comfortable and then you can talk about all the nasty shit you want virtually guilt-free. for example: the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side and smashed hot pizza in my face from a violent coke rage and that chicken was actually my ex weed dealer boyfriend want to rent wedding crashers?

8. develop a drinking habit? they say that alcohol is actually a depressant though i find that the people who say that are my mom and psychologists who aren't allowed to drink cos of their family obligations and bothersome wives so like they totally want to get plastered but they have respectable jobs i don't know THEY'RE not depressed so FUCK THEM i mean if you can be a functioning alcoholic fine by you don't do it cos i say so these are just friendly suggestions. fine, PLAY FRISBEE.

9. i am getting bored of this list, smoke weed if you don't have delusional anxiety attacks like me and totally write off the next 6 hours of your life watching whatever dvd box-set your retarded roommate rented for the week is this rocket science people?!!

10. engage in frequent, and empty sex.

good luck.



You can buy her book here.

No I haven't bought it yet, but posts like this make me want to even though I am broke and bitchy.

Went line dancing and it cheered me up because I needed to move around and my cousin and her friend are too cool.

So maybe I will stop swearing and hating so much. But don't hold your breath.

Doncha think it's kinda weird that I changed my title to "Two words, nuclear fucking weapons" just a day or two before North Korea started with their shenanigans?

Do you think Kim Jong-il reads my blog or something?
_____________________
I know I said I would do HNT this week, but I am way too grumpy to think of something to do. Sorry Os.
_____________________
When I rule the world I will not make it a better place, I will treat people the way I was treated when I was poor and powerless.
_____________________
Fuck lawyers.

Happy birthday to my little brother.

I'm sorry about feeding you that safety pin when you were a baby. I was only two and luckily it was closed.

Happy Fourth of July.

Do you guys spell four like that? Or is it forth?

You always seem to leave the u's out of words.

I don't know who the hell you think you are talking to me like that. Didn't anyone ever teach you that screaming at the top of your lungs is no way to deal with people? And your little apology, along with the "I didn't mean it personally" garbage were too little, too late.

Take your fucking attitude and shove it. You have been officially written off. And I don't care that you may have acted that way because your girlfriend dumped you. Why wouldn't she? You are a 35 year old alcoholic chef with bad teeth. I've never met her but I'm sure she could do better.

Love Binsk.

The glossary of truth

I am not going down without a fight.

In other news...well there really isn't any other news. That could be why I am so concerned about internet popularity contests. Maybe I need something to do. I guess I should go line dancing tonight.

I'm on 25 Peeps dot com today.

You can go there and click on my picture if you want.

Edit Monday 10:30 p.m.: I'm losing to the boobs.

Edit TUESDAY 9:19 p.m.: The "boobs" that I am losing to are actually a MAN'S ass.

See here.

Little sneaky dude. And it gets lamer than that...I didn't read the post when I clicked on the boobs picture...I just read the first comment by a girl named Robin and thought that the boobs belonged to her...I am so lame.

Instead of shooting people in the back of the head with my pretend hand gun I have come up with a new solution.

I give them a reason for their bad behaviour.

If I hold the door open for some idiot and they don't say thank you, or even smile at me, I say to myself "That guy must have been dropped on his head at birth, poor fellow."

Or if some halfwit cuts me off in traffic, I just breathe and think "Well obviously she has her head up her ass because her husband just left her for a man."

See? Stress be gone.

She was robbed and has no content insurance. Some nice bloggers have set up a website to help her out. Any little bit will help. They even took her bathmats.

To the lady who called me yesterday and left a message on my answering machine telling me that you had the wrong number...you're funny.

Hello? Is this thing on?

What I learned tonight...

Boy Scouts are nerdy and so are their parents.

Never assume you will have time to make it to the beer store.

Yeah that's all I learned tonight.

You’re a steamy kisser! Your hot and heavy kissing style can turn even the meekest of make-outs into a full-contact sport. You keep the object of your affection afire by grabbing and holding on tight—then steaming up the windows.

Yes that's right, I am.

Your sexiest quality is that you don’t care if you have one—or at least whether your date thinks you do. Individual and strong, you attract others by doing your own thing with confidence.

Yeah fuck you date guy I don't care. I think.

You’re Icy Hot. “Enigmatic,” “aloof,” and “intimidating” are words that may sometimes be used to describe you. But that’s only because you keep your fiery, passionate side hidden, and you allow only a select few to...

Yeah that's all I got unless I registered, which is not going to happen. If you would like to take a bunch of tests and get half of the results click here

Happy Father's Day to the best father that ever was or ever will be. I'm serious, I got him...how lucky huh? I must have done something good in a past life.

This is Rick Mercer:

I met him today.

If you don't know who he is, then I am guessing you aren't Canadian. He's one of our non-Americanized celebrities.

He was the keynote speaker today at a conference I went to, and he was funnier than anybody has ever been funny.

I got my picture taken with him, on my camera phone, because I didn't have my regular camera with me which SUCKS...so you'll just have to trust me or come over to my house and look at the pictures in my cell phone.

Half-Nekkid Thursday

It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And a little half-nekkid puppy for good measure...

On the off chance that you three stupid chicks who came into the restaurant I work at tonight read this, (not that I know you, but it could happen) I have some advice for you:

Stop being so fucking high maintenance or somebody is going to kill you in your sleep.

High Maintenance Bitches: "Hi can we sit on the patio?"

Me: "Well it's really cold and windy, and it's closed, but you can if you want."

H.M.B.'s: "Well let's just check it out." (We all go outside)

H.M.B.'s: "Oh yeah you're right it's chilly." (Didn't you nimwits just come from outside through the front door???? Did you think the weather in the back of the restaurant was going to be COMPLETELY different???)

Back inside...I seat them in the dining room.

H.M.B.'s: "Can we sit up there?" (Pointing to the balcony, where I have to trudge up and down with platters of food etc.)

Me: "Sure if you'd like."

Up we go...

The princesses take their seats.

Me: "Would you like something to drink to start with?"

H.M.B. #1: "Yes I would like a glass of water with no ice and a slice of lemon."

H.M.B.'s #2 and #3: "Me too, me too."

Me: "And would you like wine?"

H.M.B.'s: "Yes we will have a bottle of the shiraz."

Me: "Okay."

Up and down two flights of stairs, princess number one tests the wine.

(Cue oooooohing and ahhhhing and mouth swishing. How fucking gay. It's a regular bottle of wine not a $300.00 vintage.)

Now they order.

H.M.B.'s: "Can we have nothing that's on the menu and everything on the side?" (okay they didn't say that, but they might as well have.)

Me: "Sure."

More irritating essy type talking. You know, when those princess type girls say their esses like a hissing snake? UNGH, as Raymi would say.

End of meal...

H.M.B.'s: "Can we all have decaf coffees? Oh and we have this coupon."

Finally it comes time to pay.

They all pay separately and tip me like EIGHT percent.

All I can say is if you are one of these women please STOP IT, you are giving us all a bad name.

Oh, and I am also SO glad I am a straight girl and I don't have to date asshat women like you.

Speaking of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, I can't believe my parents didn't get 4 million for a picture of me when I was born, I mean, I was pretty cute.

Okay I looked a little like a baby chimp. Gawd, why must you be so judgemental???

If I were any more broke I would be living under a bridge. Actually I would be richer if I lived under a bridge because every company and government body in the free world wouldn't be able to send me bills. I need a third job. Any ideas?

It's my name day!!!

Rather than presents and cake, I would like cash and cheeseburgers. Thanks in advance.

Name Day Chart

My dog likes to pee in the neighbour's yard...there is no fence between the two, and he is on a leash, but he still manages to get a couple of paws over there, which is too cute. He's like "Yeah I'm not messing up MY yard...this must be where I should go mon." (He's from the Bahamas so he talks like that.) If I were my neighbour I would sit silently in my house and curse me. But don't worry because my new and AWESOME way of cleaning the lawn is to power spray the dog mess into the ground. It's like magic.

I wouldn't picnic on it or anything though.