A.K.A. BINSK

Separating Peacefully

Parting can be such sweet sorrow...or hell on earth. The only constant is change. But because we are always either infecting or affecting others, it is how we deal with those changing relationships that reflect what we are really made of.

All kinds of people come and go in our lives, some leaving footprints in our hearts and some leaving a hole in our souls and/or our bank accounts. So what price do we pay for perpetrating more anger and hurt during a separation? We can make a different choice. We can choose to separate peacefully.

Although each separation is as unique as the individuals involved, the following tips offer a way to leave our relationships with grace and our souls intact.

Don't leave it too late. Take positive action while you still have something to salvage in the relationship.


Focus on a higher purpose than yourself. e.g., your children or world peace. Then keep your eye and heart on the goal. Don't waver from that vision!

Remove yourself from the game. Walk away from the who-did-or-didn't-do-what power(less) struggle. If you have safety concerns while dealing with the other person, contact your local social services.

Treat the other person as able and willing. People often unconsciously respond and behave according to that higher version of themselves.

Speak the truth with compassion. When communicating your grievances, use the sandwich technique: positive (e.g., I appreciate you for this...), negative (However, I feel hurt/angry/disrespected when you...) and always finish with positive (I would like to remain friends/thank you for...).

Take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship. Once we accept our part in creating the problem, we also have the power to solve it.

Welcome the opportunity to grow. Whether we are the "dumper" or the "dumpee," we can acknowledge that this milestone is an opportunity for a new life.

Say thank you for all that person has taught you. Give each other something good to take away from the relationship. Be specific and be generous in your praise.

Give above and beyond. "Generosity is the virtue that creates peace," say the Buddhists. Give more than is fair or expected or what the lawyer tells you. (If you follow these tips, you won't need a lawyer.)

Embrace the FEAR (Fictional Evidence Appearing Real). Be aware of what your fear is and ask yourself if it is, indeed, real. Only deal in facts, not emotions.

Ask for help. You are probably hurting. The physical equivalent of what you are experiencing might be having your skin ripped off, exposing raw nerves. Get support from counselors, friends, family or strangers. You are not alone unless you choose to be.

Be kind to yourself and the other person. If you are the dumper, you may have being going through the leaving/grieving process for years. If your loved one is ambushed by your departure, give them time to catch up and come to terms with it. Be gentle in all your dealings.

The greatest gift of all in separating peacefully is knowing that although the context of your relationship has changed, you can look back with pride. Perhaps you have inspired others to do the same. Because if peace begins with you, here is your opportunity to bring peace to the world.

by Natasha J. Rosewood

I really could have used this list a little earlier.

I mean "I HATE YOU, HATE YOU, HATE YOU...and let's NEVER EVER EVER pretend that we get along again!!!!" is hardly speaking the truth with compassion or thanking the other person for all they taught me...damn