This is my new boyfriend.

Okay not really, it's Will from Big Brother, but I wish he was my new boyfriend.

Don't tell Mr. Depp.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or even a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. Your feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Last night I had a dream that I woke up and my whole body was hurting. I went into the bathroom and got stuck in between the medicine cabinet and the back wall. Once I clawed my way out of the bathroom I went out to the garage and found my car half way in and half way out of the garage on an angle like it had been crashed in there. I opened the driver's side door and found ME slumped over like I had been in a bad accident. Then I realized I had a hangover so I thought I must have been drinking and driving. I was SO shocked because I would never do that. The fire department was outside running hoses all around the house. Then they arrested my brother for what I did so I ran away. I felt guilty about running away so I came back to find my brother had turned into my sister and she was in handcuffs.

I think I need a vacation.

Sometimes I think that I am the smartest person on earth and it pains me to talk to anybody else because they will never, ever, understand where I am coming from because I am much too intelligent for them to "get".

Oh I am not joking.

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

How Scary Are You?

My mom told me that I am a direct descendant of this dude.

She says there is a book with the family tree that goes right down to her name...I hope they revise it soon and put me and my brother in it because then I could carry it around and impress people.

I did some reading on him and I liked what I read.

"Oliver Cromwell believed passionately in what he called 'liberty of conscience', that is freedom for a range of groups and faiths to practise their beliefs undisturbed and without disturbing others. Several times he referred to this religious liberty as the principal achievement of the wars, to be strengthened and cherished now that peace had returned."

If you have a band and you are on MySpace, I don't want to be your friend, unless I have met you or told you I like your band.

If you are a comedian and you are on MySpace, I don't want to be your friend, unless I have met you or told you I like your act.

If you are some dude from Nebraska and you are on MySpace and your catch phrase is "Da Bears", and all your "friends" are pleasantly plump girls wearing lingerie or eating cherries I don't want to be your friend. Period.

Have I mentioned that I still do not get MySpace? Do you?

And why the hell is it MySpace with no space???

Riddle me that Batman.

And what is this "Thanks for the add" thing?

Can one of you wizard banner maker type people please make me a "Stop asking me to be your friend I don't even know you." banner?

Aces.

Big Brother live feed update:

It takes Janelle AT LEAST an hour to do her make-up. I just could not concentrate on putting on make-up for that long.

But I could watch somebody do it on a webcam.

Yeah makes sense.

Howie is autistic or whatever brain malfunction it is that causes you to repeat the same thing over and over again.

"Chicken George you're okay"
"I know Howie"

Five minutes later

"Chicken George you're okay"
"Thanks Howie I know"

2 minutes later

"It's okay Chicken George"
"Thanks Jedi"

I have no idea how Chicken George doesn't start running around trying to find the exit to that nut house.

Best part is when the Big Brother god like voice booms through the whole house telling them to stop doing something.

I cancelled my subscription after the free trial period because if I didn't I would weigh 4 hundred pounds, be white as a ghost, and have no friends by the end of the summer.

I got the Big Brother live feed tonight. It's free for the first three days. I might not go to sleep. But I should because I am going on a picnic tomorrow with my mom and dad and their two dogs and my puppy. Should be awesome.

Dear Universe,

My horoscope told me on Monday that I could just tell you what I want and don't want and you would handle it.

That is way cool of you universe, thanks.

After careful consideration I have compiled the following list:

An honest, funny, hot, rich, ticklish, 35 year old man with a cottage.

A big hand to come out of the dashboard of cars and smack stupid fucks in the head when they drive like assholes.

Dave Matthews to stop writing really obvious lyrics like you crash into me and I come into you. GAWD. What are you 13 Dave?

The rule of thumb to be changed from eight glasses of water a day to beer. Actually if you could just make beer come right out of the tap that would be good. (Oh feck I sound like Homer Simpson)

The kid at the corner store to get off the hash and be able to make change in under 10 minutes.

A camera that makes all of the other cameras cry themselves to sleep at night because they will never be as awesome.

Johnny Depp.

Denis Leary.

Thanks in advance, regards and all the other gayisms that business people sign off with,

Binsk

My horoscope for today:

Be the author of your life. Decide what you want to happen -- and, more importantly, what you don't want to happen -- and then make it so. The universe will provide you all the help you need to make this happen -- truly.

Oh somebody sang a little Jewel sucky love song at karaoke I see. Thanks to my cousin for stealing my camera and capturing the magic that is me.

Have you seen the movie The Corporation? If you haven't you should go out right now and rent it. And if you have and you didn't like it don't tell me because we are in my lair and I will treat cruelly. (see satanism below)

I gave Charlie 30 minutes to pack up his things and move out. I told him he could have all of the plastic bags, and his toys, and the can of mackarel he hasn't eaten yet. He doesn't seem to be taking me seriously and he is losing valuable packing time. 29 minutes.

Rabbits

To see a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors.

To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness of a lover.

To see many rabbits hopping about the meadows, signifies fertility and that children will bring you much joy.


What if the rabbit bit me?

Sassy One and others asked me if I had ever seen the movie Waiting.

I rented it tonight.

My favourite line:

"I don't work within the exact boundaries of the law because I wasn't consulted when the goddamn laws were made"

That is my mantra.

I also liked:

"Don't fuck with people that handle your food"

and

"Did you ever just wake up and realize, holy shit I'm a fucking loser?"

Ryan Reynolds and Dane Cook are hot.

I also watched Failure to Launch. Matthew Mccaughney (or however you spell it) is delicious.

What else? Hmmmmmmm...

A question. If your kid had to go pee, and you were at a strip mall and there was a Tim Horton's, a Mr. Sub, and a video store, where would you take him? The video store you say? Okay then I guess it's just me who thinks that is a cracky move.

Today when I was in line at the grocery store a retarded boy/man came from out of nowhere and waved at me, smiled widely and disappeared back behind the gum rack.

I think.

The Eleven Satanic Rules of Earth

To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.


The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth

I. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

II. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure that they want to hear them.

III. When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

IV. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

V. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

VI. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the person and he cries out to be relieved.

VII. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have used it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

VIII. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

IX. Do not harm little children.

X. Do not kill non-human animals unless attacked or for your food.

XI. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.


Yep that sounds about right.

What are you?

I met Sassy One tonight.

That's right, be jealous, be very jealous.

I'm going to put together a compilation of poems I have written while in the grips of p.m.s.

They are pure suicidal/homicidal magic.

Par example there's this little gem:

Running out of faith, time and strength
My legacy is that of a troubled mind

The aching is constant now
I can't reach out

To most I am too sensitive, weak, dramatic
Sorrow, fear and joy have always been intense
Sounds are loud, colours vibrant, and darkness black

Now I am going to microwave my bean bag thingie and take some advil.

Ever have one of those feelings where you have no idea what the feeling is? Like you can't tell if you are thirsty or tired or sad or cold?

And you can't stop moving your feet around for some reason?

Yeah well I'm currently experiencing that so I am having a beer.

Big Brother All Stars is on tonight, hopefully that will break me out of this funk that makes me want to eat everyone's face, and not in the nice way.

And then there's karaoke tomorrow night. I haven't been to karaoke for a long time. I think I'm gonna sing one that my fans (a.k.a. drunk friends) used to ask me to sing, Kid Rock's Cowboy. When a girl raps and screams suck my dick, it's a big hit for some reason. Only problem with karaoke is that I have to get REALLY drunk to do it, no wait, that's not a problem at all.

My dog just stole a little tiny sour orange off of one of the plants in my house, he is trying to eat it but he keeps dropping it and growling...hey orange stop being so sour graaaaahaaaaaawl.

Raymi is brilliant.

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR DEPRESSION

1. do not make a big deal about it, go about your days without talking about it thinking about it anything about it and then when that tidal wave of sadness hits you, you are like boy i'm sad and then you go that's right i'm depressed i totally forgot! if you act like a functioning depressive things are way easier and less people will avoid you which segues into

2. get a sense of humor, don't be a debbie downer and see the fucking negative in everything in an unfunny way for the love of fuck do you want to be alone for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!?! holy shit if you're going to be sad at least cheer somebody else up, that's why comedians are comedians, they're so fucking blue that making other people laugh is a total necessity why do you think i post ten trillion times a second and come up with all this witty banter? yeah i'm real funny and i'm really depressed DUH! did you think it was because i really liked you guys? ha ha WRONG!

3. ok i do sort of like you guys but you see what i did there? i made a JOKE, fucking try it sometime, guys le douche.

4. spend money on clothes that make you look awesome and then you will feel awesome but don't over do it with the accessories please, you are NOT a fucking christmas tree.

5. hang out with someone less cool than you and let them try and impress you all day long and if you are feeling extra generous let them buy you something and make out with them if you feel it necessary for them to be available for your next tidal sadness wave.

6. do NOT cut your hair if you are a girl, give your bangs a little chop if absolutely necessary but do not go hmm i think i would feel ten times better if i looked like HILARY SWANK IN BOYS DON'T CRY you will fucking regret it and every other person you pass on the street will think inside their heads WOW THAT CHICK IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE and then when your sadness week resides you will be totally revolted by the sight of your head and then you'll do a bunch of drugs to forget what you look like and two years later you are still bingeing about to bottom-out and your hair is just about shoulder-length and you are a strung-out pile of garbage true story, buy my book.

7. if you feel the need to discuss your dark past, make little jokes about it so the listener is more comfortable and then you can talk about all the nasty shit you want virtually guilt-free. for example: the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side and smashed hot pizza in my face from a violent coke rage and that chicken was actually my ex weed dealer boyfriend want to rent wedding crashers?

8. develop a drinking habit? they say that alcohol is actually a depressant though i find that the people who say that are my mom and psychologists who aren't allowed to drink cos of their family obligations and bothersome wives so like they totally want to get plastered but they have respectable jobs i don't know THEY'RE not depressed so FUCK THEM i mean if you can be a functioning alcoholic fine by you don't do it cos i say so these are just friendly suggestions. fine, PLAY FRISBEE.

9. i am getting bored of this list, smoke weed if you don't have delusional anxiety attacks like me and totally write off the next 6 hours of your life watching whatever dvd box-set your retarded roommate rented for the week is this rocket science people?!!

10. engage in frequent, and empty sex.

good luck.



You can buy her book here.

No I haven't bought it yet, but posts like this make me want to even though I am broke and bitchy.

Went line dancing and it cheered me up because I needed to move around and my cousin and her friend are too cool.

So maybe I will stop swearing and hating so much. But don't hold your breath.

Doncha think it's kinda weird that I changed my title to "Two words, nuclear fucking weapons" just a day or two before North Korea started with their shenanigans?

Do you think Kim Jong-il reads my blog or something?
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I know I said I would do HNT this week, but I am way too grumpy to think of something to do. Sorry Os.
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When I rule the world I will not make it a better place, I will treat people the way I was treated when I was poor and powerless.
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Fuck lawyers.

Happy birthday to my little brother.

I'm sorry about feeding you that safety pin when you were a baby. I was only two and luckily it was closed.

Happy Fourth of July.

Do you guys spell four like that? Or is it forth?

You always seem to leave the u's out of words.