A.K.A. BINSK

What's new with me?

Well I had the worst bout of pms this last month, I have been pretty good lately but this last one almost killed me. The best part was when I went to the dentist and he was about to fix my broken filling and I started crying and said I had to come back. This was the first time I had been to that particular dentist, which could have added to my nervousness, but also I'm sure made such a great impression. I have NEVER done that before. I have always been able to sit through a dentist appointment like a big girl.

Speaking of. This letter is good if you haven't seen it yet. It sounds a little like me. I wanna find this girl and be her best friend.

MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has
to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body
amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles
into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you
of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi
pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of
sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day
in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock
yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out,
man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you
just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.