Facebook coversation with a high school boyfriend

HSBF: Do you like Sabbath or anything like that ?

Me: I love Black Sabbath.

HSBF: Why are you up so late young lady?

Me: I wore a Randy Rhodes tshirt at Elgin don't you remember? ha ha
Me: Rhoads.
Me: Oh wait, he wasn't Black Sabbath he was just with Ozzy, whatevs. :)
Me: I am always up late.

HSBF: you cannot "whatevs. " Randy Rhoades !!!! lol
HSBF: Yeah , I remember lol some how. I mostly remember your skirt and stalking look. And your amazing regard for music.

Me: Whatevs.
Me: Awwwww really how cool. I remember going to your house after school and making out on your couch. lol.
Me: I also had bleached skin tight jeans with holes.

HSBF: I'm pretty sure it was my parents couch ... I didn't have a couch until 1994 lol.

Me: Wait????? Stalking look??????????? What?

HSBF: Did I spell 'stalking' wrong ? lmao !
HSBF: Tights ? leotards ? Whatever the fuck it was , you looked great !

Me: lol ya, stockings are tights, stalking is being a predator. haaaaaaaaa
Me: And thank you kind sir. ;)

HSBF: LOL , no problem , you cornered the market , everyone else was wearing track pants or something.

My boss tells me that the chef at my work was in the men's change room, and he moved his jacket and this kid I work with's jacket fell down and out came TWO bags of cocaine. I have NO idea how to make that first sentence less choppy, so just go with it. Chef accidentally knocks over kid's jacket at work, two bags of cocaine apparently fall out, chef tells my boss what happened, and she tells me. I say "Well HOW would he know that it was actually cocaine?" and she says "He tasted it." and I say "So he knows what cocaine tastes like? Is he a chef AND a cop???" She says "Ha ha, yeah that's the best part of the story".

At the store...

I am at the cash and there is a woman behind me.

No mistaking that it is a woman.

Cashier says to me: Thanks have a good day!

Cashier says to the woman behind me: Do you need a bag SIR?

I start walking away SLOWLY so I can hear if he says something along the lines of: "Oh sorry ma'am* that just came out wrong!"

Nope. Nothing.

And of course she doesn't correct him because HOW RIDICULOUSLY EMBARRASSING would it be to say "I am not a sir"?

I really hope she didn't go home and like freak out or something just because that idiot cashier decided to pretend we didn't hear him call her sir, and now she might think she looks like a dude.


*Ma'am is the WORST thing you can call a woman in my opinion.

I would rather be called a cunt.

Seriously.

But either way I would despise you.

Unless you were REALLY young and you called me ma'am, then I might let it go because you were trying to be respectful of my oldness.

My first and last blind date...

From the beginning. My friends are starting to feel sorry for me because I am still single. So one of my friends decides to try and find me a man (which is really sweet of her). She knows this guy that is a client at her hair salon (who she says is REALLY cute and nice) and she asks him if he would be interested in meeting her friend. So he says "Yeah okay, I am not sure about this blind date stuff but let's try it."

She gives him my number.

He calls me.

I will sum up the phone conversation by cutting and pasting the emails I sent to my best friend about it:

Me:

"Talked to him on the phone tonight and one of the first things he said to me was 'A lot of women think I'm arrogant, but I'm not arrogant, I'm just SUPER confident so if I come across like that to you then just tell me to stop it' WHO FREAKING SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT????? IN THE FIRST TWO MINUTES OF SPEAKING TO A PERSON????? And then he said 'I am surprised you haven't heard of me or my brothers, we were pretty infamous, not always for good things' I am actually scared a little. But still going to do it to say I did. Gawd, gawd, gawd."

BFF:

"lol, i am laughing at your description...i can just imagine!!!!!
i am thinking not your type either - but who knows what may happen ha ha"

Me:

"I so want to bail, but maybe you are right, maybe I could sell him a house or something. lol SO not my type."

BFF:

"You will have to fill me in when you get back lol. i am very proud of you for going though, regardless of the outcome, it's a huge step for you! that's right, sell him a house! now that is the right attitude!!"

Me:

"I think I will bring a tape recorder so I don't miss anything he says. Or I guess I could just take notes. Cuz just IMAGINE what kinda shit he is probably going to say after he has a couple sips of beer and has known me for more than five minutes. ;)"


Okay so flash forward to the "day of reckoning". Why the fuck am I actually going? I don't know, because I said I would and I am a sucker? Anyway, K. calls and says "We can go with you so that you are more comfortable because we know him" and I am like "HELL YA, please come!"

So dickhead calls (oh what did I call him?) and says "Are you ready to go out?" And I say "Yeah...K. and L. are going to come, is that okay?" And he's like "Yeah okay, so I will meet you all there? Cool."

We get there and penisface (Wait what? That's not nice...) is already there. I am introduced and we all sit down.

Then fuckface says...

* Actually I will just cut and paste the emails I sent to my BFF AFTER the "date" was over.*

Me:

"As expected...

We all had dinner and he was annoying, and insecure, and opinionated but cute. Apparently I am just not shallow enough to get over bad personalities. At least I went, even if I had chaperones.

He announced (during dinner) that he had a DUI, and he decided to keep it on his record instead of getting it taken off because it's a good reminder NOT TO DRIVE DRUNK. Ugh.

AND he is really picky about ribs, he likes fall off the bone ribs, he will only eat halibut NOT haddock, the restaurant sucked, and blah blah fucking blah.

He has longish hair and he had it down, then UP, then DOWN - every time he went to the washroom he changed it. It was like I was watching a play...that I DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH.

He also told me he likes to give fast food employees a hard time if his food is not hot. I told him (because he asked me - even though I was trying to act like I was mute) 'I would just ask them for a replacement meal because mine is cold', and he said 'NO you have to intimidate them so they NEVER do that to you again" When he was telling me the he likes to intimidate fast food employees thing ALL I COULD THINK was I need to go home and BLOG this.

I think I am going to stay single forever if that's what's "out there".

HOLY SHIT, how can somebody SUCK so much?

Cashier at discount grocery store:

"Are you making something special? I have never seen anyone buy so many tins of sardines at once."


My awkwardness is legendary. And I hate sardines. My dog loves them though.

Email to my boss:

"I think the hand scanner fired me tonight. I tried my number three times and it said my ID was temporarily invalid. I waited for a bit and tried again and it still wouldn't accept my ID. So Dave said to send you an email. This is the email."

Email back:

"I am glad to see you are taking the firing so well—I was a little nervous and really wasn’t looking forward to a face to face — it has been real — happy life!!!!!!"


"Happy life!!!!!" made me lol. And almost roflmao.

Girl I haven't seen since high school (we went out for Thai food recently):

"When you came to our high school in your long black coat and big black boots I thought 'oh here comes trouble!'"

Me:

"So you decided to befriend me?"

Her:

*laughs*

Her:

"You taught me how to drink beer. I kept saying it's burning, I can't do it, and you said you've got work at it."


Ha. She also said I was a rebel, who disliked mainstream stuff. Ahhh the old days.

"Sometimes I just get tired of thinking of all the things that I don't wanna do. All the things that I don't wanna be and all the places I don't wanna go, like India, like getting my teeth cleaned."

From the movie The Barfly