Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Facebook is like so much fun and stuff. It makes MySpace look crappy(if it was even possible for MySpace to look crappier).

YouTube is still full of people crying and fighting and whining and being silly - I can't get enough really.

So you can see the reason I haven't been blogging is because I don't really have time to be obsessed over so many different things and do my job and other things that I have to do.

But I still love you. Well...not you, but the rest of you.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

What's new with me?

Well I had the worst bout of pms this last month, I have been pretty good lately but this last one almost killed me. The best part was when I went to the dentist and he was about to fix my broken filling and I started crying and said I had to come back. This was the first time I had been to that particular dentist, which could have added to my nervousness, but also I'm sure made such a great impression. I have NEVER done that before. I have always been able to sit through a dentist appointment like a big girl.

Speaking of. This letter is good if you haven't seen it yet. It sounds a little like me. I wanna find this girl and be her best friend.

MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has
to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body
amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles
into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you
of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi
pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of
sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day
in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock
yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out,
man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you
just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.


Thursday, March 08, 2007

Don't read Jann Arden's journal on her website when you are feeling hormonal or you will end up a big blubbering mess.

I love that chick so much. She is wiser than Buddha. Okay maybe not Buddha, but she's pretty fantastic.

Her wise words make me weepy. <----(repeat that 5 times fast without screwing up)

Monday, March 05, 2007

Remember when I told you about a book called The Secret WAY before Oprah did?

Yeah well it's become SO huge it has overtaken the newest Harry Potter book on the bestseller list. Problem is, when something gets this big a whole bunch of people try and attack it which is exactly what is happening. I'm telling you this book (or DVD) is worth taking a look at if you haven't yet...don't listen to the naysayers that are stressed out that they could never write a book that would sell this well. Fucking naysayers.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Yeah I did it again.

Friday, March 02, 2007

You know how sometimes people fuck with you?

And you know how sometimes (or maybe most of the time) you know they are fucking with you? (depending of course on how much you pay attention, or how much you CARE that they are)

And you know how usually your first reaction is to get angry, or hurt, when you figure out that they are purposely trying to fuck with you?

Well I have a better way.

Fuck with them back. But not in a way that they will be able to figure out that you knew they were fucking with you first. In a very subtle 'they don't know where it's coming from and they can't figure out what is up' kinda way.

Serves them right, right?

P.S. Am I the last one over the age of 14 that didn't know this?