Thursday, July 06, 2006

Raymi is brilliant.

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR DEPRESSION

1. do not make a big deal about it, go about your days without talking about it thinking about it anything about it and then when that tidal wave of sadness hits you, you are like boy i'm sad and then you go that's right i'm depressed i totally forgot! if you act like a functioning depressive things are way easier and less people will avoid you which segues into

2. get a sense of humor, don't be a debbie downer and see the fucking negative in everything in an unfunny way for the love of fuck do you want to be alone for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!?! holy shit if you're going to be sad at least cheer somebody else up, that's why comedians are comedians, they're so fucking blue that making other people laugh is a total necessity why do you think i post ten trillion times a second and come up with all this witty banter? yeah i'm real funny and i'm really depressed DUH! did you think it was because i really liked you guys? ha ha WRONG!

3. ok i do sort of like you guys but you see what i did there? i made a JOKE, fucking try it sometime, guys le douche.

4. spend money on clothes that make you look awesome and then you will feel awesome but don't over do it with the accessories please, you are NOT a fucking christmas tree.

5. hang out with someone less cool than you and let them try and impress you all day long and if you are feeling extra generous let them buy you something and make out with them if you feel it necessary for them to be available for your next tidal sadness wave.

6. do NOT cut your hair if you are a girl, give your bangs a little chop if absolutely necessary but do not go hmm i think i would feel ten times better if i looked like HILARY SWANK IN BOYS DON'T CRY you will fucking regret it and every other person you pass on the street will think inside their heads WOW THAT CHICK IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE and then when your sadness week resides you will be totally revolted by the sight of your head and then you'll do a bunch of drugs to forget what you look like and two years later you are still bingeing about to bottom-out and your hair is just about shoulder-length and you are a strung-out pile of garbage true story, buy my book.

7. if you feel the need to discuss your dark past, make little jokes about it so the listener is more comfortable and then you can talk about all the nasty shit you want virtually guilt-free. for example: the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side and smashed hot pizza in my face from a violent coke rage and that chicken was actually my ex weed dealer boyfriend want to rent wedding crashers?

8. develop a drinking habit? they say that alcohol is actually a depressant though i find that the people who say that are my mom and psychologists who aren't allowed to drink cos of their family obligations and bothersome wives so like they totally want to get plastered but they have respectable jobs i don't know THEY'RE not depressed so FUCK THEM i mean if you can be a functioning alcoholic fine by you don't do it cos i say so these are just friendly suggestions. fine, PLAY FRISBEE.

9. i am getting bored of this list, smoke weed if you don't have delusional anxiety attacks like me and totally write off the next 6 hours of your life watching whatever dvd box-set your retarded roommate rented for the week is this rocket science people?!!

10. engage in frequent, and empty sex.

good luck.



You can buy her book here.

No I haven't bought it yet, but posts like this make me want to even though I am broke and bitchy.

12 comments:

Rik said...

My personal fav is #6.
"WOW THAT CHICK IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE . . . you are a strung-out pile of garbage true story, buy my book." ha ha ha ha ha ha
Good times!
Why are you all so depressed lately?

Rob said...

raymi is my #1 hero (other than Spiderman)

sinner said...

number 10 works really really good........so the tell me

Madame D said...

Dude, that's so freaking true!
I particularly like #7-make jokes out of it, which I do about everything.
Except sometimes it backfires, and the person you're talking to goes "Oh my god, are you serious?"
And then, you wind up comforting said friend over crap you got over years ago.

#6-I have four inches of hair now. It's so not getting cut.

kalipornia said...

say what you will... but you know that shit just came running right out of her head...

imagine what else she has up there. i think i'm going to go buy her book right now. i can't believe i haven't yet.

Ophelia Mourne said...

this post of hers made me feel strangely better about myself.
not sure if its because it justifies my actions now or will in the future.

Redhead Editor said...

And to think... I was just about to get my hair cut tomorrow. Thanks for saving me.

Anonymous said...

The world is a better place with Raymi in it!

Anonymous said...

I do need to buy her book too. Some of her clothing on cafepress is pretty damn awesome too.

Anonymous said...

who the fuck is raymi and why do all these people idolize her? i have found the people that love her so much are far better writers, more entertaining and i just dont get it... someone please explain her allure, its totally escaping me...

Nome said...

Raymi's Allure, or Why People Love Raymi, Part 1:

1) She's beautiful, and frequently posts naked and semi-naked pictures of herself. And even a lot of straight women and gay guys can respond to her brand of pretty pictures.
2) She's fucked-up, and people relate to that.
3) She's irreverent, witty, and dry as a bone.
4) She's a great writer who often writes like she's drunk or on drugs and people (ESPECIALLY bloggers) relate to that because we all want to write like we're not really trying and we'd rather be rolling a joint right now.
5) She's funny. How can you not laugh at Raymi's chicken crossing the road joke?!
6) She's utterly self-involved, and completely upfront about it. Most self-involved people are not.
7) She's blunt, unforgiving, and NEVER waffles.
8) She has opinions, and even when they're totally off-the-wall you have to chuckle at them.
9) Depression is a growing problem, and its expression is a growing industry. She said it herself in the title of her book: Marketable Depression.

Wanna talk more? Come visit my site.

Oh, and Binsk - start a wishlist if you want stuff you can't afford. It sound lame, but having total strangers buy you the Collectors' Edition of Pulp Fiction on DVD is NOT lame - believe me!

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