Friday, March 24, 2006

Separating Peacefully

Parting can be such sweet sorrow...or hell on earth. The only constant is change. But because we are always either infecting or affecting others, it is how we deal with those changing relationships that reflect what we are really made of.

All kinds of people come and go in our lives, some leaving footprints in our hearts and some leaving a hole in our souls and/or our bank accounts. So what price do we pay for perpetrating more anger and hurt during a separation? We can make a different choice. We can choose to separate peacefully.

Although each separation is as unique as the individuals involved, the following tips offer a way to leave our relationships with grace and our souls intact.

Don't leave it too late. Take positive action while you still have something to salvage in the relationship.


Focus on a higher purpose than yourself. e.g., your children or world peace. Then keep your eye and heart on the goal. Don't waver from that vision!

Remove yourself from the game. Walk away from the who-did-or-didn't-do-what power(less) struggle. If you have safety concerns while dealing with the other person, contact your local social services.

Treat the other person as able and willing. People often unconsciously respond and behave according to that higher version of themselves.

Speak the truth with compassion. When communicating your grievances, use the sandwich technique: positive (e.g., I appreciate you for this...), negative (However, I feel hurt/angry/disrespected when you...) and always finish with positive (I would like to remain friends/thank you for...).

Take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship. Once we accept our part in creating the problem, we also have the power to solve it.

Welcome the opportunity to grow. Whether we are the "dumper" or the "dumpee," we can acknowledge that this milestone is an opportunity for a new life.

Say thank you for all that person has taught you. Give each other something good to take away from the relationship. Be specific and be generous in your praise.

Give above and beyond. "Generosity is the virtue that creates peace," say the Buddhists. Give more than is fair or expected or what the lawyer tells you. (If you follow these tips, you won't need a lawyer.)

Embrace the FEAR (Fictional Evidence Appearing Real). Be aware of what your fear is and ask yourself if it is, indeed, real. Only deal in facts, not emotions.

Ask for help. You are probably hurting. The physical equivalent of what you are experiencing might be having your skin ripped off, exposing raw nerves. Get support from counselors, friends, family or strangers. You are not alone unless you choose to be.

Be kind to yourself and the other person. If you are the dumper, you may have being going through the leaving/grieving process for years. If your loved one is ambushed by your departure, give them time to catch up and come to terms with it. Be gentle in all your dealings.

The greatest gift of all in separating peacefully is knowing that although the context of your relationship has changed, you can look back with pride. Perhaps you have inspired others to do the same. Because if peace begins with you, here is your opportunity to bring peace to the world.

by Natasha J. Rosewood

I really could have used this list a little earlier.

I mean "I HATE YOU, HATE YOU, HATE YOU...and let's NEVER EVER EVER pretend that we get along again!!!!" is hardly speaking the truth with compassion or thanking the other person for all they taught me...damn

19 comments:

sinner said...

I want a hit of what Natasha was smoking.

Marianna said...

I could have used this a few years ago, too.

Ahh well, live & learn!

M~

Anonymous said...

Hello Love, Happy to see you again. Thought I was going to have to check in to the BorRA (Binsk or Robin Alexa) withdrawl clinic. Glad to see I can put that $100K back in the kids piggy bank. Missed you girl. Hope all is well.
TG

dana said...

I will have to remember this for the next time I need it. Which is often. :|

Rik said...

Just goes to show you. Logic don't work when you talk about love. It ain't rational. Print that out and try to follow them next time you dump/get dumped. Let me know how that goes.
P.S. Did you see Danasaur's pic? yowza! ;)

bricotrout said...

just outstanding. it seems so easy to read it and say 'yeah, ill do that next time' then the 'next time' comes. what a great post. thanks for sharing tips to live by.

Gary said...

That's a great post. Even though we may think it is justified, there really is no point in holding anger toward anyone when all it really does is hurt ourselves. I know a woman who is still palpably angry at her ex husband who dumped her 25 years ago. She can't move on.

Ben said...

Binsk, give me two of your favorite reads. if you please. :)

Rusty said...

Nothing that a bottle of Jack and a straight razor couldn't solve.

Monkey said...

I think Rik (Above) summed it up well:

Just goes to show you. Logic don't work when you talk about love.

Rusty said...

Errr... disregard previous statement. Was not funny, as intended.

Robin Alexa said...

It think everyone would have taken it as hugely tongue in cheek Rusty, no worries.

Robin Alexa said...

I not IT. GAWD.

Outburst said...

I can only guess what's going on with you lately but I am guessing you need a hug.
I can only offer a virtual one, but you've got it.
Keep your chin up girl, you've got the brains, personality and looks to be proud enough to keep it high.

Zoeyjane said...

i was trying to figure out why you're so wise - and how to be more like you whilst reading the foremost part of that. and then i breathed a sigh of relief when i realized that you're human, too. an uber example, maybe, but still part of the species. really, who could follow those guidelines, but an android?

hugs and plentiful bottles of wine.

toobusyliving said...

Um, I'm gonna keep that in mind for my next break-up and lay off the voodoo dolls. Now I just need to find someone to eventually break-up with! :(

The Lily said...

I second what Zona said. Ideal, but inherently flawed. Mostly because I know no one mature enough to acknowledge any of those steps. (Heh)

Maybe I just don't know the right people, but I will say that when thinking about my last parting of ways (a nasty affair), I acknowledged what I thought was my fault and it wasn't good enough.

Memphis said...

I wish I knew if something was happening to you or if you just saw this and thought it was a good thing to post. Then again, what would I be able to do either way? I can send you a photo of me reaching out to hug you, but then you might think it was creepy and feel the need to call social services. So I don't know what to do. Are you OK?

Michael said...

Glad you're back, sorry you're hurting.

{{{{HUGS}}}}