Monday, January 16, 2006

NEW RULES for 2006 (George Carlin)

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Stolen from Countess

27 comments:

Johnny Wadd said...

Ah some great rules from Carlin.
He is coming to Niagara soon, i think i'm gonna go see him.

Kim said...

Carlin is my idol.

Anonymous said...

Carlin's one of the only comics who can make my Dad laugh.
And me.

Marie said...

Hahaha!! I *love* George Carlin and his sense of humor and irreverance. He knows how to shed light on SO many issues and topics across the board. hehe

Southern Sweetheart said...

Visiting from Marie's place --- love this list! So on target and I don't care where you stole it from!!

mcgibfried said...

george carlin is a fucking genius

and i've been saying that about these women w/ the months and their kids forever!

once you hit a year, you go by years!

Smelly Danielly said...

that last rule is SO true...i HATE when people give the ages of their kids in months...dear god just tell me the year

Anti-Blogger said...

Rules...I live by no rules...who am I kidding? I am a rule fanatic.

honkeie said...

I am sooo stealing this from you !

Marianna said...

Ohhh damn... these were AWESOME!

M~

Derek said...

Those were great...a great way to start my day.

Margaret said...

i love this list...LOL

peace...

sinner said...

what cracks me up is that most Americans are just like George Carlin but you Canadians LOVE him.

The tattoo was my fave

Gary said...

Good steal. This may be my favorite post of the year so far.

Rik said...

Are you really going to see Maiden? I'm so jealous!

Outburst said...

Ahhh, George Carlin.
I'm like, "Binsk! What's a dude doing in your bathroom!"
I hate attendants doing that in clubs. Cost me a buck every frickin' time I take a piss.

clara* said...

i nearly peed my pants. SOOOO funny. thanks for the laugh doll i needed it...

Lysa said...

That was awesome. I needed that. It takes away the pain of the freezing rain coming down from the sky.

Anonymous said...

That is too funny.

You know, I have always wanted a tattoo of a chinese character. I think having a tatto that meant "Sesame Chicken" would ROCK!

Michael said...

George Carlin; comedian or philosopher?

HHHMMMMM...

Some Random Girl said...

George is a funny motherfucker!

Memphis said...

Hey Beautiful Canadian, if I ever meet you in person I'm gonna tattoo this on your hand: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction
=user.viewprofile&friendID=25847455

remove the RETURN before the "=" symbol.

Robin said...

Yep -- good thing you gave Carlin credit, 'cause girl, I would have sworn that was you -- it sounds JUST like you.

Anonymous said...

I love Carlin almost as much as I love you dollface. That is good shit!
TG

Anonymous said...

These would be great George Carlin rules, if he had actually written them... The truth is, these are actually all from Bill Maher's show "Real Time with Bill Maher".

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

G.I. Joe!

Kelly said...

I love it!!!!

Bobo the Wandering Pallbearer said...

That ain't Carlin.